Best Experienced With: Queen; Don’t Stop Me Now
(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s gathering to celebrate the arrival of Pepper Francis Paisley to this wonderful, mystical world.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSnrZf3a7rE
My friends Erin and Joe just had their first baby this evening. Have given many baby gifts over the year, yet none like this. The ideal gift for the Paisley baby is the most perfect joke in the entire universe. The joke that, when told properly, has people on the edge of their seats through the two word punch line. And the accompanying song is the most perfect song for a Paisley baby which, given your mother and father’s genetics, certainly has super powers. Happy true birth day, Paisley baby…you are going to laugh a great deal with your mom and dad.
And that’s pretty wonderful.
Yay for you…..here is your first birthday present. Welcome to Idaho.
Once upon a time, there was a man who decided he wanted to get away for a bit. So his filled up his truck with gas and filled his motorcycle with gas and put it on the back of truck. So he gets in the truck and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas.
Then he takes the motorcycle off the motorcycle off the back of the truck and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until the motorcycle runs out of gas.
So he gets off and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he can’t walk anymore.
He reaches a hotel and walks in to ask if he can have a room. “Sure,” says the manager, “but I have to tell you one thing.”
So they go into the living room where there’s a table. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. There’s a trapdoor there, which opens to reveal a long flight of steps. So they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb and they climb until they’re down the stairs. They’re now in a long tunnel, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk until they reach a wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. And then they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk until they reach a metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. There are two green hills, so they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills.
They finally reach a clearing with a table. On the table is a cage, and in the cage is a purple gorilla. “Whatever you do,” the manager says, “don’t touch the purple gorilla.”
And so they turn around and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk and they walk over the two green hills. Then they reach the metal door. And do everything backwards.
(Note: Keep telling it here to annoy people. I just don’t feel like typing it. My fingers are tired and it’s late.)
So, the man is lying in his room later and thinks, “You know, I wonder why I’m not allowed to touch the purple gorilla.”
So he goes into the living room. He takes the candlesticks off the table, the chairs away from the table, the table off the rug, and the rug off the floor. And he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs down the stairs and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the wooden door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. And then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks until he reaches the metal door. He picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor. Then he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks and he walks over the two green hills until he reaches the purple gorilla. He reaches in and pokes it.
The gorilla starts going crazy in the cage. It starts thrashing about before suddenly breaking it open.
So the man turns and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs over the two green hills. He reaches the metal door, and he picks the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, goes through the door, closes the door, locks the door, and puts the key back on the floor.
He starts walking away, thinking there’s no way the gorilla can get through a metal door, before he hears a ‘BOOM’ behind him. The gorilla broke down the door! So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches the wooden door. He pick the key up off the floor, unlocks the door, opens the door, and runs through it, figuring that the gorilla would be able to get through a wooden one. He runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he gets to the stairs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs and he climbs until he gets back to the living room. He slams the trapdoor shut, puts the rug on the floor, the table on the rug, the chairs up to the table, and the candlesticks on the table.
He walks back to his room, hoping the gorilla wouldn’t be able to get through. He goes in, and finds the purple gorilla in his room.
So he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs and he runs until he reaches his motorcycle, which has magically been refilled with gas. He gets on it and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides and he rides until he reaches his truck, which has also been magically refilled with gas. He gets in the truck and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives and he drives until he runs out of gas. And he runs and runs and runs, with the gorilla still following…
After a while, he starts to think, “This gorilla is going to chase me until I die. I might as well stop and let him catch me.” So he slows down and comes to a stop, turning to face it. It still runs towards him, but slows down once it notices the man has stopped. Finally, it walks up to the man, taps his shoulder, and says…….
(Note: Deadpan the following after saying the above two paragraphs breathlessly, Pepper. Like most of life, it is all in the delivery.)
“You’re it.”
(Alternate Version: happens in a bar setting. Choices are critical in life. Always have a Plan B)
A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.
After he is pretty well hammered, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.
“But whatever you do, don’t you touch my purple gorilla.” he tells the now drunk customer.
He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.
As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, “Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla.”
Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.
At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, “Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.
With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.
The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.
“A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !” growled the purple gorilla as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk’s brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.
Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.
As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.
Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.
“Tag, you’re it.” it said.
Welcome to the world, Baby Paisley
Mind of Mully Biz Haus Shoppe 