Monthly Archives: December 2013

Phil Robertson, Hitler, or Westboro Baptist Church?



Phil Robertson, Hitler or Westboro Baptist Church?


The questions in each test are numbered, and the suggested answers for each question are lettered. On the answer document, the rows of ovals are numbered to match the questions, and the ovals in each row are lettered to correspond to the suggested answers.   Calculators are forbidden.

For each question, first decide which answer is best. Next, locate on the answer document the row of ovals numbered the same as the question. Then, locate the oval in that row lettered the same as your answer. Finally, fill in the oval completely. Use a soft lead pencil and make your marks heavy and black. DO NOT USE INK OR A MECHANICAL PENCIL OR A GREAT BIG SHARPIE.

Mark only one answer to each question. If you change your mind about an answer, erase your first mark thoroughly before marking your new answer. For each question, make certain that you mark in the row of ovals with the same number as the question.   You may not use a calculator.

You may work on each test ONLY when your test supervisor tells you to do so. If you finish a test before time is called for that test, you should use the time remaining to reconsider questions you are uncertain about in that test. You may NOT look back to a test on which time has already been called, and you may NOT go ahead to another test. To do so will disqualify you from the examination.   Seriously… may NOT use a calculator.  Quit asking.

For the first section of the test, please choose the author of each quotation:   “Duck Dynasty”’s Phil Robertson, Germany’s Adolf Hitler, or the Westboro Baptist Church.  You will have eight minutes to complete this portion of the test.     When I ring the bell, please put your pencils down.  No, no, no.  No, you may NOT use a calculator.   Quit screwing around.    It is multiple choice and you don’t even NEED a calculator.

You may begin.

1.  “Woman’s world is her husband, her family, her children and her home. We do not find it right when she presses into the world of men.”

2.  “The more make up a woman wears the more she is trying to hide. Make up can hide a lot of evil”

3.  “Women with women. Men with men. They committed indecent acts with one another, and they received in themselves the due penalty for their perversions. They’re full of murder, envy, strife, hatred. They are insolent, arrogant God haters. They are heartless. They are faithless. They are senseless. They are ruthless. They invent ways of doing evil. That’s what you have 235 years, roughly, after your forefathers founded the country. So what are you going to do, Pennsylvania? Just run with them? You’re going to die. Don’t forget that.”

4.  “All gays & lesbians are liars and murderers at heart, like their father, Satan.”

5.  “Our country must therefore begin by raising marriage from the level of a continuous defilement of the race, and give it the consecration of an institution which is called upon to produce images of the Lord and not monstrosities halfway between man and ape.”

6.  “Mohammed was a demon-possessed whoremonger and pedophile who contrived a 300-page work of Satanic fiction: The Quran! Like America’s own whoremonger and pedophile wangled his own hokey Book of Mormon!”

7.  “All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.”

8.  “Today Christians stand at the head of [this country].  I pledge that I never will tie myself to parties who want to destroy Christianity. We want to fill our culture again with the Christian spirit … We want to burn out all the recent immoral developments in literature, in the theater, and in the press – in short, we want to burn out the poison of immorality which has entered into our whole life and culture as a result of liberal excess during the past few years.”

9.  “In our experience, no modern country is more repressive of human rights than the U.S.A. The vaunted First Amendment is nothing but empty words on paper.  We will journey to China at our expense, and tell our story of modern American repression of human rights, upon invitation.”

10.  “It’s not OK to be gay. It will damn the soul, destroy the life, and doom any nation that tolerates such evil. God Hates Fags is a profound theological statement, which America needs more than it needs oxygen or bread.”

11.  “In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders.  Today, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed his blood upon the Cross.”

12.  “A good woman is hard to find. Mainly because these boys are waiting until they get to be about 20 years old before they marry them. Look, you wait till they get to be about 20 years old, they only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You have to marry these girls when they’re 15 or 16, they’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course.”

13.  “All the diseases that just so happened to follow sexual mischief…boy there are some microbes running around now.  Sexual sins are numerous and many. So what is your safest course of action? If you’re a man, find yourself a woman, marry them and keep your sex right there.”

14.  Ladies….if you are living like Mrs. Wrong please stop looking for Mr. Right to come into your life! There are many of you that are not ready for a good man. Being mouthy, attitude-is, self centered, spoiled, manipulative, immature, unsupportive, domineering, etc are all clear signs that you are not ‘wife material’. Focus on becoming a better you because some of you have experienced bad relationships because of your actions and not his!”

15.  “We should allow and encourage women to act as stupid as imaginable and then denounce men as ‘faggots’ and ‘misogynists’ if they dare to criticize the women’s stupidity.”

16.  “Mr. Rogers gave aid and comfort to homosexuals. He was a man who preached tolerance of all sorts of people in ways that directly contradicted the Bible. His syrupy teachings led millions astray. He was a wuss and he was an enabler of wusses.”


Answer Key:

1.  Hitler                                             9.  Westboro Baptist Church

2.  Phil                                                10.  Westboro Baptist Church

3.  Phil                                                11.  Hitler

4.  Westboro Baptist Church         12.  Phil

5.  Hitler                                             13.  Phil

6.  Westboro Baptist Church         14.  Phil

7.  Phil                                                15.  Hitler

8.  Hitler                                             16.   Westboro Baptist Church



17-20:  A

16:       B

15:       C


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