Monthly Archives: January 2014

If I Ran The World: Congressional Application (with mavis staples)


If I Ran The World:   Congressional Application



The vast majority of Congress is bought.     Here is a list of who bought our Congress over the last ten years:


Here is what the average election cost since 1986.       That’s a lot of money.


For the first time in history, more than half (261 members) of Congress are millionaires.    You do not have much in common with a millionaire.    You don’t.    Conservative or liberal… do not have much in common with a millionaire.    Here is the median net worth of Congress from 2011.     As Mavis is singing in this tune….” somebody said it’s different now, look, it’s just the same….. Pharoahs spin the message, round and round the truth.    They could have saved a million people, How can I tell you?”   Amen to that.   The vast majority of our Congress members are not interested in “change”.   They are interested in winning that next election and getting that campaign financed.    Not with your $5.    They don’t care about your $5.   They want General Electric’s money.      And the Koch brother cash.     Amen.


You know why Congress’s median net worth is so ridiculously different from your net worth and mine?   Because it is really, really, really, really expensive to get a seat in Congress.     And once they get there, they never want to leave.    Because it is really, really, really, really expensive to get a seat in Congress.      And as much as we non-Congress member may hear about term limits and campaign reform, it will never, ever happen.    Because it is really, really, really, really expensive to get a seat in Congress.

The Duke Brothers

We can change this by making some simple rule changes and using the Congressional application below.   I’ve saved us all a bunch of time by writing out the application and the rules.   The single most important change will be that each person running for Congress will have a limit of $5,000 to spend.   And each must fill out the application below, complete the tasks, and submit the papers required for all of us to read.

It should be harder to get into Congress than it is to get a college degree.       It’s easy to get into Congress…provided you have rich friends and are willing to spew vitriol and do the dozens on your opponents.       We can change this.


Begin Congressional application.



Congratulations and thank you for applying to run for Congress.    Whether your goal is to be a member of the Senate or the House of Representatives, we sincerely appreciate that you would like to dedicate a portion of your time to public service.   Only 535 of the 300,000,000 in the United States get to join the club annually and, as you can imagine, we need to have strict regulations regarding whom we allow in.

Below are the rules and regulations as of January, 2015, as well as the application form.   Please fill out the application form below, complete the required tasks,  and complete the essays.  Submit them to your dedicated page at

Congressional Campaign Rules

  1. You may spend no more than $5,000 per year, per campaign.
  2. You must raise this money yourself:   no PAC money is allowed.  You must keep records for each dollar of the $5,000.    For example, if you are selling chocolate cookies door to door to finance your campaign and Mrs. Jones purchases $20 of cookies, please annotate the following.   “Mrs. Jones.   1135 Clague Rd.    (SS # redacted).”   Then, please have Mrs. Jones sign that line in your records.
  3. You have three avenues of expression to your voters…your dedicated page at, your Facebook page, your Twitter page, and your Instagram account.     These are the only four tools permissible.
  4. When a camera or a microphone is in front of you, you may only discuss the following:
    1. You
    2. Your plan
    3. The benefits of your plan
    4. The precise steps involved in the execution of your plan
    5. The cost of your plan
    6. The return on investment of your plan
    7. CAVEAT & PUNISHMENT:   Should you get in front of a microphone and not be able to explain the items above in your plan, you are grounded from all microphones for fourteen consecutive days.  For example, if you bring up a plan to improve education and then say “we are still hashing out all the details”, you are grounded.    If you blather a lot and use hyperbole in your plan explanation, you are grounded.
    8. When a camera or microphone is in front of you, you are not permitted to make disparaging comments about anyone, throughout history.  Should you truly feel the need to make disparaging remarks about someone else when a camera or microphone is in front of you, you may only make them about the following people:
      • Idi Amin
      • Adolf Hitler
      • c.      Augusto Pinochet
      • d.     Jean ClaudeBaby-DocDuvalier
      • Anthony Weiner
      • Pol Pot
      • Joseph Stalin


    9. We want you to focus the majority of your time on legislating.    Because that is your job.   Your job is not to get re-elected.   That said, you may only serve two consecutive terms in either house, with a maximum of four terms in the combined houses.    You may be a Senator twice and a member of the House of Representatives twice.    After that, you need to go get a job that creates GDP in our economy
    10. Should you be elected, you forfeit any right top be a member of any lobbying group, in perpetuity.     Should there be reincarnation, you may serve as a lobbyist in your next life.
    11. Should you be elected, you also forfeit any right to be the host of your own talk show on a twenty-four hour news program for a period of ten (10) years after you leave elected office.

Short Answer:   Please Answer Each Question

Name: ______________________

State:  ______________________

Circle One:    Senate      House of Representatives

Do you have a trust fund?      (please circle one)     Yes     No

Please list all jobs you had before college that you used to pay for college and each job you had during college to pay for college:











If you had zero (0) jobs before college or during college to pay for college, please print the following in the space below and initial your printing:   “My mommy and daddy paid for college and I never really had to work until I got out of college.”

Please list ten friends (and their phone numbers) you have who make less than $50,000 per year.   First names are fine.   We will be calling all ten of these friends for a reference check:   please let them know we will be calling.











How much money did you make last year?

How much did you pay in federal taxes and state taxes?

Please list your primary tax shelters below






Please attach your high school, college, and graduate school transcripts here:

Did you serve in the military?  (please circle one)   Yes    No

If your answer was “no”, please explain why you chose not to serve in the military.     You had the opportunity to serve in the military and did not even have to run for that position… could have simply shown up and signed up.    Right?     Because now you are saying “I want to serve my country in Congress!” and, while we all appreciate that, most of us are confused as to why you didn’t choose to serve your country when you could have don so in the military.      Is your desire to serve your country a new desire?    One you did not have at 18?    Were you too busy to join the military and serve your country when you were young?   If so, that’s cool.    Just help us to understand why you want to serve your country in Congress now, yet you did not have that same sort of desire ten or twenty years ago.     When you could have done it quite easily.

Are you a lawyer?    (please circle one)     Yes   No

What type of law?

Please explain, in 100 words or less, what you created while being a lawyer.

Are you a member of the NRA?   (please circle one)    Yes   No

Do you own a house and write off the mortgage interest on your taxes    Yes  No



Do you understand that the mortgage interest deduction is the single largest entitlement program in the United States?    Yes   No



Please list all the “real” jobs you have held.    (“real” jobs are jobs where you did something that created revenue that contributed to the country’s GDP, hired people, fired people, grew something, made something, educated a child, saved a life, etc)






What are you planning to do once you finish your two terms as a Congressperson?

Long Form Answers:   Please Complete 3 of the 4 Tasks

From January, 2015 on, all members of Congress must complete the tasks listed below and write the lessons from these tasks.      Should you not wish to partake in any of these tasks, no harm…no foul.   Stay in your current job.     If you would like to serve your electorate, you’re going to need to experience some “life” things.   Showing up for a $500 per plate dinner with your significant other no longer qualifies as experiencing “life” things.

1.     Please go work in a restaurant or a suitable service industry equivalent for ninety days.    Submit your pay stubs, along with a written report detailing what you learned during this experience.

2.   Please go perform manual labor (concrete, asphalt, roofing, etc) for a minimum of sixty days.   Submit your paystubs along with a written report detailing what you built/made.   How did that make you feel?      How tired were you when you got home?       What friends did you make during your sixty days?   Did you hang out with them after work?   Please tell us about them and their families.

3.  Volunteer at one of the following locations for a minimum of fifty days out of two hundred consecutive days.      Submit a written report that includes biographies of at least fifteen people you helped through your volunteer efforts.    Please include the following in the biography:   person’s name, description of their family, where and how they were raised, how they came to onto challenging times, and what you are going to do to help them in the future.

4.  Submit a ten page (single spaced) report comparing and contrasting the following schools of economic thought:  neoclassical economics (orthodox economics, to some), Austrian school, Chicago school (Friedman), and MIT school (Samuelson).   In your comparison, please explain how the Chicago school’s principles, in application (United States:  1970’s, UK: 1980’s), failed miserably.    Also, in your analysis, please explain several theoretical economic theories that have been proven to be true in the real world (e.g. microloans for women in Africa).

5.  Spend fourteen days at the Marine Corps basic training facility in Camp Lejuene, NC to learn basic safety skills and firearm safety from a professional Marine Corps drill instructor.      Then, spend twenty-one days in a war zone.  One (1) of these days in a war zone must be served in a morgue setting and two (2) of these days in a war zone must be served in a military hospital with amputees.   Write a five page report that includes what you learned about proper firearm safety, as well as the three most horrible things you experienced or saw in the war zone.

6.  Please write your initials next to the number six here, noting your acceptance of the fact that Ayn Rand is a fiction writer……..exactly like Faulkner, Hemingway, and Dr. Seuss.   No more……no less.      If you disagree with this statement, feel free to submit a well researched and throughout treatise on a real life country (other than Somalia) or city (other than Mogadishu) where Ms. Rand’s fictional work holds true.     For extra credit, please note the     For extra, extra credit, please compare and contrast Objectivism with the philosophy of Pastafarianism (from The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

7.  Please explain the following in a single page:

  1. What has created inflation in the past, both in the U.S. and in other countries?
  2. What does “The Fed” do?
  3. How can a company like Bank of America show a profit of $4.2B in 2012 and pay $0 in taxes?
  4. What three primary forces caused the economic collapse in 2008/2009
  5. Please explain the Glass–Steagall Act and what protections it afforded (feel free to use two pages for this)

8.   What makes you different than anyone else running for your seat in Congress?   Only discuss your background, your plans, the way you feel about your constituents, and the unique things you bring to the table.    Stay positive.   Sell us on how you are different.   (five page maximum)



9.   Please describe a situation where you played well with others (with whom you disagree) as an adult.    How did you differ in your opinion?    How did you come to a mutually beneficial agreement?

All of your writing will be published on your Congressional election page for the electorate to read.     Your submissions will remain on your page for twenty years.    Should you wish to change your answers, simply type “I AM CHANGING MY MIND” next to your previous submission, followed by your current position.     Feel free to discuss why you changed your mind, or do not.   Your choice.    There is nothing wrong with changing your mind.     It’s alllllllll good, as long as you own it.

By submitting this Congressional application and signing on the line below, you agree that you will give up your Congressional seat if you commit any of the infractions listed below:

  1. Get in front of a microphone and make disparaging comments about anyone other than the seven individuals listed above
  2. Saying something ridiculously stupid.   An example of this would be saying “well, what’s to stop us from setting the minimum wage at a million dollars an hour?”     You are in Congress and not allowed to say ridiculously stupid things like that.    When you say ridiculously stupid things like that, we look silly to the rest of the world.
  3. Compare anyone to Hitler or compare anything to Nazi Germany.     Should you choose to compare anyone to Hitler or compare anything to Nazi Germany you will not only lose you place in Congress, you will not be permitted to run again and you will be forcibly moved to Canada.

Print your name here:   __________________________________________

Sign your name here:    ___________________________________________

Date:    ______________________________



End Congressional application.






Sic semper tyrannis



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Colonel Kurtz, Heart of Darkness, & TS Eliot

Colonel Kurtz, Heart of Darkness, & TS Eliot



The Hollow Men

Mistah Kurtz-he dead
A penny for the Old Guy

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.


Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom


This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.


The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.


Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.


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E-Bow: The Letter

E-Bow:   The Letter


Sing along to REM……… the tune…..or don’t.    Your choice.    “I believe we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime.”     (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross….date unkown).   So, again, your choice.








Look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
florescent and starry
some of them, they surprise

the bus ride, I went to write this, 4:00 a.m.
this letter
fields of poppies, little pearls
all the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed
each and every one a little scary
I said your name



I wore it like a badge of teenage film stars
hash bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras
dreaming of Maria Callas
whoever she is
this fame thing, I don’t get it
I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it
Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves
I can take you far
this star thing, I don’t get it



I’ll take you over, there
I’ll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I’ll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I’ll take you over



will you live to 83?
will you ever welcome me?
will you show me something that nobody else has seen?
i smoke ……. i drink
here comes the flood
anything to thin the blood
these corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet
phone, eat it, drink
just another chink
cuts and dents, they catch the light
aluminum, the weakest link



I don’t want to disappoint you
I’m not here to anoint you
I would lick your feet
but is that the sickest move?
I wear my own crown and sadness and sorrow
and who’d have thought tomorrow could be so strange?
my loss, and here we go again



I’ll take you over, there
I’ll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I’ll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I’ll take you over

look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
florescent and starry
some of them, they surprise



I can’t look it in the eyes
seconal, Spanish fly, absinthe, kerosene
cherry-flavored neck and collar
I can smell the sorrow on your breath
the sweat, the victory and sorrow
the smell of fear, I got it

I’ll take you over, there
I’ll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I’ll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I’ll take you over

pulls us near
tastes like fear…



nearer, nearer
over, over, over, over
yeah, look over
I’ll take you there, oh, yeah
I’ll take you there
oh, over
I’ll take you there
over, let me
I’ll take you there…
there, there, baby, yeah



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