Best Experienced With: Danger Mouse & Jay Z; Encore
(this thing was written while listening to the Danger Mouse and Jay Z “White Album” and “Black Album”mash up…. “Encore” seventy-nine times. Always match the proper wine to the meal and the right music to the message. Please use your dorsolateral prefrontal cortex to read this vignette: it is fact based. Save your limbic cortex and emotional reasoning for later vignettes)
I am not opposed to random drug testing and have been random drug tested throughout the years. The first time, with the Marine Corps, it was not exactly random. Everyone who showed up got a cup. Often. In later years, when part of an executive team at various companies and subject to the requests of our life insurance company’s policies on drugs and such, I would fly in for a meeting and get randomly tested. Were drug testing the SAT, I would have a lifetime aggregate score of 1800. I am a solid test taker. I have always been a solid test taker. I took the formal, six hour Mensa test when I lived in New Hampshire and showed up for the test at the Portsmouth library with eight sparkly pencils, a dozen dinosaur erasers, that huge box of Crayola crayons and a single pencil sharpener. Lined them all up in front of me on the tables and did a bunch of hamstring stretches while everyone got settled in. Almost got kicked out before the first hour test began. That is a story for another day. This story is about my plan for random drug testing four groups here in fine nation. One nation, under various gods.
I am oppose to random drug testing when
- it is imposed with poor logic
- it is imposed on the wrong group
- the net is not cast widely enough
We have all known plenty of poor people through the years and they often do not have the means (in disposable income) or the extra time to purchase and consume drugs. I have also known plenty of rich people and trust fund people through the years. Trust fund people and rich people tend to have a ton of extra disposable income and lots and lots and lots and lots of extra time to do drugs. The trust fund people I have known probably had red bat phones in their bedrooms with a direct ring feature to Peru and/or Columbia. Trust fund people and rich people have a ton of money to spend on drugs.
I am offering my full support of random drug testing for all welfare recipients, not just food stamp recipients. The quid pro quo for this support is that we random drug test the three additional groups listed below. Of course, this will use the rationale that we do not want drugs purchased with tax dollars. Heck no.
The only logical rationale for using tax money to purchase drugs is to use the tax money to fund CIA and DEA oversight of an illegal operation where drugs and the profits from the sale of drugs are used to purchase weapons for rebels to use to beat back communism. Like we did under President Reagan with the Contras in Nicaragua. In a situation like that, we should always use tax money to fund drug stuff.
In addition to all those poor people and “takers”, we should immediately institute random drug tests on the following three groups once a quarter:
1: All fourteen members of the Walton family.
Wal-Mart has become a symbol, and a major cause, of the nation’s widening gap between the ultra wealthy and the rest of us. Wal-Mart’s controlling family, the Waltons, have a net worth of more than $144 billion. This is more than the total wealth of 40 percent of all Americans: over 125 million people. The United States has 300 million people, with 115 million receiving some sort of government aid. The only place where these 115 million Americans on government aid can afford to shop is………..wait for it……….Walmart!
Between the Waltons, the Lauries, the Kroenkes, and the McNabbs, there are fourteen living Waltons. These fourteen family members are worth $144 billion. Since a large proportion of the money that built that $144 billion came from taxpayer dollars, through the poor people, we’re going to test all the Waltons. And since they all have trust funds, I believe our hit rate will be 67% each quarter.
2: Halliburton farmers, and agribusiness.
During the Iraq war, Halliburton Corporation, through its subsidiary and spin off KBR, inc received $39 billion of our tax dollars. At an average rate of $150 per eight ball of cocaine (delivered), that $39 billion could have theoretically purchased 260,000,000 eight balls of cocaine. Since we have not yet drug tested anyone at Halliburton, we’ll never know if those tax dollars made it into Iraq, or whether they ended up being snorted up someone’s nose in Houston. We should be especially suspicious of Halliburton given that one of their main people, Dick Cheney, had a heart transplant in March, 2012. Cocaine is the perfect heart attack drug, given that it stiffens arteries, raises blood pressure, and thickens heart muscles. Mr. Cheney’s company received billions of our tax dollars and Mr. Cheney needed a new heart. Coincidence? Perhaps. But why take on additional risk where tax dollars are concerned. We randomly drug test everyone at Halliburton, quarterly.
Much has been made of the “2,000 page Affordable Healthcare Act (Obamacare)” recently, as if the length of the law made it somehow more burdensome. It is actually 906 pages. One would have thought that anyone running for Congress would understand that a good part of their day would be spent reading things like words and paragraphs. The 2013 farm bill, passed a few months back was……wait for it…..1,139 pages. And of the $955 billion in farm bill tax dollars, roughly $120B will go to agribusiness and farmers, much of it through subsidies. That’s free money from our tax dollars…extra time…..the perfect atmosphere for potential drug abuse.
You know who can grow poppies for heroin, marijuana, and cocoa leaves for cocaine really, really, really, really well?
Farmers and agribusiness companies can grow poppies for heroin, marijuana and cocoa leaves for cocaine. That’s who. Which is why we will randomly drug test them each quarter beginning in January, 2014.
3. All members of Congress and the Supreme Court
The average food stamp recipient in the United States receives $3,000 per year from our tax dollars. The average Supreme Court justice receives $214,000 per year and the average member of Congress receives $172,000 per year: all from our tax dollars. This means that Justice Antonin Scalia, if he chose to spend all of those tax dollars on cocaine, could purchase 1,133 eight balls of cocaine at the “delivered” price listed above, while the average food stamp recipient could only purchase 20 eight balls of cocaine. Clearly, there is a substantial amount of risk and potential for abuse with Congress members and Supreme Court justices when we’re throwing around income numbers like these.
Using the example above, I for one do not want Justice Antonin Scalia up there writing the majority opinion on “Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas Surgical Health Services v. Abbott” all gakked out after spending seventy-two straight hours hoovering Bolivian marching powder whilst prancing around his condo in a British smoking jacket and ascot, peering out the windows and looking for DEA helicopters in a drug fueled paranoid haze. Heck no. When one of our Supreme Court justices pens a majority opinion restricting a woman’s access to an abortion clinic and violating the “1992 Planned Parenthood v. Casey” decision, I want that Supreme Court justice stone sober. And I’d like confirmation via a random drug test.
Furthermore, given the large number of those in Congress who have trust funds, the risk is even more substantial. For example, freshman House of Representatives member, trust fund kid, and self proclaimed “hip hop conservative” Trey Radel (R-FL). As per his Twitter page, “sometimes he tweets policy and sometimes he doesn’t”
This week, Mr. Radel pled guilty to purchasing an eight ball of cocaine and will be taking a leave of absence to enter treatment. One hopes it will be a solid treatment program because an eight ball of cocaine is a large amount of cocaine for a single individual to consume in one sitting…….on a Tuesday. He was arrested on October 29. October 29 was a Tuesday. Tuesday is an odd day of the week to buy a relatively large amount of cocaine. You’ve been reading this paragraph wondering what non policy things does Mr. Radel, the hip hop conservative, write in his 144 spaces on Twitter. He is deep into Jigga….Lucky Lefty….the Young HOV. And who can blame him when that man has the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain?
Back to the drug testing. Odds are there were food stamp recipients across the street from Mr. Radel when he was arrested in DuPont Circle that Tuesday evening…..they were bussing tables at their second job of the day or working a double at McDonald’s. And they were not buying an eight ball when they got off work that Tuesday evening. Because they had to get up really, really, really early to go to their first job on Wednesday. Other than Congress peeps, who has time to get high on cocaine on a Tuesday?
This past September, roughly a month before he was arrested for buying his eight ball, Mr. Radel agreed with me on the issue at hand and voted in the affirmative on a measure that would drug test food stamp recipients. And he further proves my point that trust fund kids have plenty of spare time and spare money to buy cocaine. One day after Mr. Radel won his election in November, 2012 he re-filed his financial disclosure forms…..and disclosed the additional couple of million dollars that he neglected to disclose before the election. Money he received from his mommy. Details below:
Several web sites posted the meme below and it made its way onto Facebook pages for months:
This evening, I sent the web sites that posted the Kiara meme the Trey Radel meme (see below) I made in the hopes that they post it next to the “welfare mom” meme. We need to get the word out about these damn white, trust fund kids getting into Congress and wasting our tax money on over priced cocaine. He paid $260 for an eight ball and calls himself a fiscal conservative? A fiscal conservative would have haggled and gotten the same eight ball for $120. Not a trust fund Congressman…they always over pay for their drugs. And if a self proclaimed fiscal conservative, with a conservative radio show, will significantly over pay for an eight ball, just imagine what he is going to do with our tax dollars if he gets on the House Ways and Means committee.
Absent the drug testing that we should immediately impose on Congress and the Supreme Court justices, it is conceivable that Mr. Radel could spend the weekend at Justice Scalia’s condo…..getting all gakked out on cocaine and prancing around in their matching British smoking jackets and ascots….and then head to the Capitol building and approve a further expansion to the F-35 fighter project. Which has ballooned from $353B to $1.5T (that’s trillion…..) in the last few years. The only explanation for this ridiculous amount spent on a plane that will cost 300% more to operate?
We need to drug test Congress immediately. it will be far simpler to randomly test the 545 members of Congress and the 12 Supreme Court members than welfare recipients because all 557 of them congregate in the same square mile for work. This will cut down on the costs and make the return on investment positive in the first three days.
In conclusion, if you do not agree with me on this treatise, you hate America, you would probably burn the original Constitution, and you are not a patriot.
Sic semper tyrannis.
One response to “Cocaine, Congress, & Dick Cheney’s Potential Drug Problem”
Random drug testing of Congress? Absolutely! However, I suspect you might be mistaken in your assumption that it will be easier to test our elected leaders since all ‘557 of them congregate in the same square mile for work.’ Have you seen Cantor’s 2014 House Calendar for the 113th Congress’ Second Session? They’ll be slaving away for 113 days for their $174K base salary. As former House Speaker Trent Lott said in his book with the same phrase, it would be like “herding cats.”