Non Sequiturs & Banana Splits

Best Experienced With:          Michael Stanley Band;  Midwest Midnight

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music for this morning’s suggestion on what would have made last week’s Iowa Presidential “debate” better in a new browser window.    That’s a fine little guitar lick in the background beginning at 3:08.   Was my favorite as a kid.   Back when candidates actually debated.)

There are no more extemporaneous Presidential debates.    Years ago, the candidates would come with a prepared opening statement, a prepared closing statement and then would actually answer the questions and opine in the middle.    For the past twenty years, we are subject to a series of prepared answers that seldom fit the actual questions asked.     An hour of nonstop non sequiturs, tailored for sound bites and spin doctors.   Reminiscent of Brick Tamland from the movie “Anchorman:  The Legend of Ron Burgundy”.

The following non sequiturs, spoken by either Mr. Cain or Mr. Pawlenty during the Iowa non sequitur hour last week, would have made the Iowa “debate” far more interesting.   Once they get the field narrowed down to four, it would also be more entertaining if those four candidates rolled up to the stage in the Banana Split mobile dressed as Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snork.    “Making up a mess of fun….loads of fun for everyone.”     Indeed.

Brown dress shoes can only be pulled off by 3.9% of the general population

Sed Patris, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti una est divinitas, aequalis gloria, coaeterna maiestas. Qualis Pater, talis Filius, talis Spiritus Sanctus. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

Miniature collies are fun to watch run because they are so proper.   This is how I would imagine Queen Elizabeth runs.

Watching Joe Cocker sing “Feeling Alright” is forty-three times more entertaining than watching golf, twenty-seven times more entertaining than waiting to re-enter the United States at the border crossing in Tijuana, twelve times more entertaining than reading US magazine and equally as entertaining as taking the “Maid of the Mist” under Niagara Falls.

Inductive fallacies of logic are entertaining and common in sound bites.    For example.  Premise 1:   Having just arrived in Ohio, I saw a white squirrel.   Conclusion: All Ohio Squirrels are white.    That is an inductive logical fallacy.   Most debate answers these days contain several examples of logic fallacies.

If you drive a convertible, and Styx’s song “Come Sail Away” comes on while you are driving on the highway, you should act out all the lyrics with your free hand.   If you are driving with the top down.    If the top is up, this will not be as effective or amusing.

The CERN Large Hadron Supercollider will allow the discovery of the elusive Higgs boson and may possibly cause a rip in the space time continuum.   This would release pirates back into France and Switzerland.  Pirates!

A duck’s quack will not echo

Three ounce bags of South Park’s Cheesy Poofs will soon be sold for $2.99 per bag at Wal Mart.

The first sign of the downfall of the Roman Empire was when the barbarian Odoacer deposed Romulus Augustulus in a bloodless coup.   The first sign of the downfall of the American Empire is the new show “Whisker Wars” on the Independent Film Channel and “Repo Games” on Spike TV.

There is a math proof that proves 2 can equal 1.   Here it is:

a = b
a2 = ab
a2 – b2 = ab – b2
(a – b)(a + b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
2 = 1

Translated in Italian, Pinocchio means “pine head”

Governor Rick Perry chose not to participate in the Iowa Republican debate last week in Ames, Iowa.   Some postulate that he did not want to be within a country mile of wife trader-inner Newt Gingrich.   Others believe Governor Perry has something against Eastern Goldfinches and still another minority thinks he stayed away because the Iowa straw poll is utterly worthless in the grand scheme of things.  Iowa has only seven Electoral College votes and is, indeed, quite boring and flat.   Although Iowa does have the world’s largest popcorn ball (Sac City, Iowa) and the world’s largest rocking chair (West Amana, Iowa).

I believe Governor Perry chose to avoid Iowa because he is a true believer in my marketing theory….”The Xbox Scarcity Theory”.    Those of you who are still in the dating world might recognize this as the “People Want What They Cannot Have More Theory”.   This theory holds everywhere.  In business, in dating, and in politics.    People want more what they cannot have.

Can you remember a December holiday season when there was not a shortage of Xboxes?     Can you remember a December holiday season when you did not see parents beating each other with tire irons in Wal-Mart parking lots to get a more strategic place in line and not miss the opportunity in November to purchase an Xbox for little Sally or Billy’s Christmas or Chanukah?  And, when these white trash, no tap out fights happened, they would make the evening news programs and the periodicals.


I read three newspapers papers a day whilst on my gym’s Precor in an effort to forget how painful the actual exercise is as a geriatric.     I read the USA Today as an appetizer (two minutes cover to cover), then the Los Angeles Times as a small main course (eighteen minutes cover to cover), and finish up with the New York Times as the main course (as long as it takes).  Weeks like this, when the market is an entertaining Sin wave, I will throw in the WSJ as dessert.   Today, all four papers had an article where they lumped together Mr. Santorum, Mr. Romney, Mr. Cain, Mr. Paul, Mr. Huntsman, Mr. Pawlenty, and Ms. Youcannotfollmeiknowyouarecrazy and discussed their Iowa strategy and how they fared in the debate.    Each paper also had a separate article dedicated solely to Mr. Perry and his conspicuous absence in Iowa this week.


This will be the silliest Presidential race ever.     Game on.

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