The Florida Butter Battle Book: Mully v. Scott 2010


Best Experienced With:      The Refreshments;     Banditos

(Please right click on the link below to open the suggested background music to this evening’s continued coverage of my quest for Emperorship of Florida in a new browser window.)


(Editor’s Note:  Monday at midnight begins the single week of live Florida campaigning.    If you are unable to attend the midnight kick-off speech at Orlando Regional Airport, below is the speech in its entirety.    Apologies to Dr. Seuss, his heirs, and his estate.)


On the far-away island of Pensa-co-la,
Mully the LaJollan was soon to be king of Florida.
A nice little state. It was clean. It was neat.
The water was warm. There were Cuban sandwiches to eat.
The Floridianites had everything Floridianites might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.

They were… until Mully, the king of them all,
Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small.
“I’m ruler”, said Mully, “of all that I see.
But I don’t see enough. That’s the trouble with me.
With this stone for a throne, I look down on my state
But I cannot look down on the places beyond.
This throne that I sit on is too, too low down.
It ought to be higher!” he said with a frown.
“If I could sit high, how much greater I’d be!
What a king! I’d be ruler of all that I see!”

So Mully the (soon-to-be) Floridian King, lifted his hand
And Mully, the (soon-to-be) Floridian King, gave a command.
He ordered nine Floridianites to drive their pickup trucks to his trailer home
And, using these Floridianites, he built a new throne.
He made each Floridian stand on another one’s back
And he piled them all up in a nine-Floridian stack.
And then Mully climbed up. He sat down on the pile.
What a wonderful view! He could see ‘most a mile!

“All mine!” Mully cried. “Oh, the things I now rule!
I’m the king of a cow! And I’m the king of a mule!
I’m the king of a bunch of keys! And, what’s more, beyond that
I’m the king of an Everglade swamp and a cat!
I’m Mully the Floridian! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!”

And all through the morning, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, “A great king am I!”
Until ‘long about noon. Then he heard a faint sigh.
“What’s that?” snapped the King,and he looked down the stack.
And he saw, at the bottom, a Floridian named Mack.
Just a part of his throne. And this plain little Floridian
Looked up and he said, “Beg your pardon, King Mully.
I’ve pains in my back and my shoulders and knees.
How long must we stand here, Your Majesty, please?”

“SILENCE!” the King of the Floridianites barked back.
“I’m king, and you’re only a Floridian named Mack.”

“You stay in your place while I sit here and rule.
I’m the king of Urban Myer! And I’m the king of a mule!
I’m the king of a crocodile! And a manatee! And a cat!
But that isn’t all. I’ll do better than that!
My throne shall be higher!” his royal voice thundered,
“So pile up more Floridianites! I want ’bout two hundred!”

“Floridianites! More Floridianites!” he bellowed and brayed.
And the Floridianites ‘way down in the state were afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the state, they came swimming by dozens.
Whole families of Floridianites, with uncles and cousins.
And all of them stepped on the head of poor Mack.
One after another, they climbed up the stack.

Then Mully the Floridian was perched up so high,
He could see forty miles from his throne in the sky!
“Hooray!” shouted Mully. “I’m the king of the trees!
I’m king of the birds! And I’m king of the bees!
I’m king of the conch shells!  King of the your rear!
Ah, me! What a throne!  What a wonderful Pilsner beer!
I’m Mully the Floridian! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!”

Then again, from below, in the great heavy stack,
Came a groan from that plain little Floridian named Mack.
“Your Mulliness, please… I don’t like to complain,
But down here below, we are feeling great pain.
I know, up on top you are seeing great sights,
But down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights.
We Floridianites can’t stand it. Our backs will all crack!
Besides, we need food. We are starving!” groaned Mack.

“You hush up your mouth!” howled the mighty King Mully.
“You’ve no right to talk to the world’s highest Floridian.
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There’s nothing, no, NOTHING, that’s higher than me!”

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me in Orlando at midnight
We’ll divvy up there
Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol
So I get the Pesos
That seems fair

But, while he was shouting, he saw with surprise
That the moon of the evening was starting to rise
Up over his head in the darkening skies.
“What’s THAT?” snorted Mully. “Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Mully the King?
I shall not allow it! I’ll go higher still!
I’ll build my throne higher! I can and I will!
I’ll call some more Floridianites. I’ll stack ‘em to heaven!
I need ’bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!”

But, as Mully, the Floridian King, lifted his hand
And started to order and give the command,
That plain little Floridian below in the stack,
That plain little Floridian whose name was just Mack,
Decided he’d taken enough. And he had.
And that plain little lad got a bit mad.
And that plain little Mack did a plain little thing.
He burped!
And his burp shook the throne of the king!

And Mully the Floridian, the king of the trees,
The king of the air and the birds and the bees,
The king of a house and a cow and a mule…
Well, that was the end of the Floridian King’s rule!
For Mully, the King of all Pensa-co-la,
Fell off his high throne and fell (PLUNK) by his double wide!

And today the great Mully, that Marvelous he,
Is King of the Mud. That is all he can see.
And the Floridianites, of course… all the Floridianites are free
As Floridianites and, maybe, all creatures should be.


As mentioned a week ago, the MofM campaign staff will continue to not mention that my opponent for Emperor of Florida, Rick Scott, perpetrated the largest Medicare fraud in United States history while CEO of Columbia HCA.    Glass houses, cinder blocks and all that yadda yadda.    If you are going to meet us at the gate for the October 4 campaign speech detailed above, look for this plane.   We land at midnight.  

If you see our campaign vehicle, feel free to stuff $100 bills under the windshield wipers.   Game on, Rick Scott.   Game on, Florida.

1 Comment

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One response to “The Florida Butter Battle Book: Mully v. Scott 2010

  1. Melinda Drury

    As usual, you brightened my Monday! Good luck in Florida! See you this weekend!

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