Best Experienced With: Rage Against The Machine; Take The Power Back
(Please right click the link below to open the suggested background music for this evening’s treatise in a new browser window. “Crank the music up”. Bass riff. “Bring that stuff in” Lead riff. “The movement’s in motion with massive militant poetry.” “Now check this out”.)
Dear Floridite Population:
Hello. How are you? Good. Me? Fine, thanks. (twelve seconds of awkward, first date silence) That was a heck of a fine campaign week. We have three weeks remaining to get to know each other before you elect me Emperor of Florida so let’s take full advantage of our time together. Plenty of celebrities have met and married in less than thirty days: there is no reason we cannot have the same sort of mercurial courtship and betrothal.
Where did we leave off the other day? Believe it was me talking about me. That’s a fine place to start this evening. Cannot think of a livelier or more entertaining topic because I am nothing if not self absorbed. There are several bored billionaires in various political races across these great United States. Bored billionaires who no longer enjoy hanging out with their spouses and realize that it is a poor idea to leave their hundreds of millions to their trust fund children. Billionaire candidates spending hundreds of millions to get on Wikipedia a few years from now with the first Wiki paragraph reading “one of the poorest legislators the United States has ever seen (insert billionare name here) spent $523M of their own money on their campaign yet only served one term.”
My Republican opponent here for Emperor of Florida, Rick Scott, would have been one of those Wikipedia entries had I not chosen to enter the bloody fray. You may ask what the primary difference is between a billionaire like Mr. Scott and me. The primary difference is that Mr. Scott has a billion dollars and I landed the other day in Orlando with three dollars and seventy-eight cents in my pocket. And a half a pack of gum.
Time travel is a central campaign theme for all of us, as it should be. As completely off the wall, out of touch and nut jobesque as eye doctor and Kentucky Republican candidate Rand Paul is, he has yet to recognize the criticality of time travel to this election. Outside of Christine O’Donnell, who clearly did not graduate from any of the forty-three schools she has listed on various Curriculum Vitaes, no other candidate has made time travel a central campaign theme. This is surprising because as I watch the “debates” and view the commericals this mid-term election season, one thing is certain. If all these nut job, “I’m not a career politician” type folks get elected by the slack jawed electorate, Congress is going to resemble Nurse Ratched’s ward from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
For my Florida campaign, jobs are first. Time travel is second.
As promised in my Wednesday evening Pensacola speech, Steven Hawking and Michio Kaku joined the Mind of Mully election team as time travel advisors over the weekend. Ashoke Sen and his box of tachyons remain firmly entrenched in the Rick Scott camp and, quite frankly, we didn’t want him on the Mully campaign anyway. Mr. Sen has really, really bad eyeglass frames and seldom shaves. Our campaign is a six miles wide and three inches deep. Thus, Mr. Sen does not get to be on our time travel advisory board.
Many political campaigns are afraid to have theoretical physicists on their campaign team. I have no fear. Moreover, after watching voters actually lean towards mentally infirm candidates such as Sharon Angle in Nevada and Carl Paladino in New York, it is clear that the electorate is drawn towards “odd” this year as strongly as Christine O’Donnell is drawn towards Wiccan altars.
Upon entering the Florida Emperor race eleven day ago, I promised all of you a positivistic campaign. A campaign full of fake words and dripping with happiness. Several periodicals reported yesterday that 62% of the campaign ads over the past seven days have been negative campaign ads. You Floridites have seen these negative campaign with batsh*t crazy (and remarkably chubby for his age) Democratic candidate Alan Grayson here in our peninsulistic state of Florida. Mr. Grayson’s ads are not only negative, they are also silly and void of facts. How much do you love www.factcheck.org in this election season?
In response to these nasty campaign ads, my partner in crime Stevie JC sketched out the new campaign poster you see below. When you show up by the millions at future campaign rallies, please wear either bunny ears or colorful boas. No one can be unhappy or hateful while wearing bunny ears or a colorful boa. There will also be jelly beans and fizzy drinks with little umbrellas at all future Mully campaign rallies because no one can be unhappy or hateful while chewing jelly beans or toasting my economic job creating policies with fizzy, umbrella decorated drinks.
Jeff Tweedy from the band Wilco joined the Mind of Mully campaign as musical advisor for the next three weeks, although Jeff has virtually no input on time travel. Was actually just bragging a little bit there because Jeff Tweedy is ridiculously talented and when I win, we will have Wilco play Via Chicago at the inaugural weenie roast. Via Chicago is a great song. Let’s get back to the central campaign theme: time travel.
Were Albert Einstein and Kurt Godel not dead, they would also be on the Mind of Mully Florida Campaign time travel committee. Mr. Godel postulated on Mr. Einstein’s equations of general relativity that the universe rotated….which means that if you had a fast enough vehicles you could fly around the universe and arrive back here on earth before you left. These are the “closed time-like curves” that led to mathematicians and physicists postulating wormholes and time travel through collapsed black holes.
Just as India made itself a hotbed of software coding years ago, under my four to twelve year reign Florida will become the coolest place for String Field Theory development and time travel technology advancement. Mr. Kaku has done a spiffy job of advancing quantum physics and Einsteinian physics to a point where we Floridites will be able to build our own stable wormholes by 2016. Once we nail down the Gauge Invariant Reactions, we will all be rolling around through time like dogs rolling around in dead kelp on the beach.
Jobs. In addition to the email fraud our elderly Floridites will perpetrate daily when I am elected(https://mindofmullybizhausshoppe.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/visigoths-villains-the-pensacolan-svengali/ ), the Mind of Mully crack election team has a 2011 to 2021 plan that will rival the Tennessee Valley Authority plan in its boldness. Beginning next January, unemployed Florida residents will begin digging a one hundred and forty-three mile canal connecting South Beach in Miami to Fort Myers. Our public works canal will allow tourists choosing the west coast of Florida to rent jet skis and share their tourist dollars with the clubs on Ocean Drive in SoBe. Miami tourists weary of art deco by day three can take a canal jet ski from Miami to Captiva Island to watch the sun set. Tourist socialism: a redistribution of the tourist wealth. Eat your heart out, FDR and Harold Ickes.
Oh, and we will also have bake sales every Saturday morning on our northern borders where Floridians will sell baked goods to Alabama and Georgia.
This would an opportune time to disclose that I am absolutely positive that I have employed non-US citizens for work. As you may have read in the papers, Meg Whitman, California gubernatorial candidate lied like a rug about her non-US citizen housekeeper. Know why? Because she is a billionaire. Mr. Rick Scott is also a billionaire, although I cannot say with certainty if Mr. Scott still lies like he did when he was CEO of Columbia HCA and they were perpetrating the largest Medicare fraud in U.S. history. Billionaires lie. As mentioned earlier, I have three dollars and seventy-eight cents. The gum is all gone. That said, here is a private message for the Spanish speaking portion of the Floridite electorate. Xenophobes, feel free to skip ahead to the next English paragraph.
¿Cómo usted está haciendo? Figura dos cosas. Primero, la campaña de Rick Scott se aterroriza de mí porque soy manera más no-establecimiento que es Rick Scott. En segundo lugar, no hay manera que esos xenófobos del pan blanco pueden leer a españoles. En cualquier caso, aquí está el carruaje. Puedo parecer el hombre; sin embargo, la mayoría de la rabia de los días I contra el hombre sentándose en mi oficina que canta adelante a Take The Power Back de Rage Against la Máquina. Apoyo el Zapatistas en México y la un ventilador grande de permitir que la gente en América trabaje y que haga mejores vidas para sí mismos. Mis antepasados irlandeses vinieron aquí trabajar y hacer mejores vidas para sí mismos. Construyeron los ferrocarriles y el hombre quiso limitarlos también. relativamente segura que los Latinos no causaron la fusión del banco o las hipotecas mal concedidas a las que no podrían producir hogares. Escuchando el hombre en la elección, usted pensaría que era los Latinos que causaron este descenso. En cualquier caso, que va a volver y a hablar con la gente blanca otra vez.**
Some ask what I will do as Emperor of Florida when we figure out time travel. My opponents for Emperor of Florida, Mr. Scott and Ms. Sink, may lead you to believe that I may use time travel to reverse the 1997 Cleveland Indians loss to the team Florida purchased for a single year to rob my beloved Indians of their rightful 1997 World Series victory. This is patently untrue. As a state, we would only use time travel for good, just as Marty McFly did. First order of business would be to head back to Dade County, Florida circa Q1, 1977 to make a significant change with Anita Bryant.
Back in 1977, Ms. Bryant used her singing “success” as a national platform to campaign for the repeal of local anti-discrimination ordinances in Florida. As a child, I disliked her music; however, her orange juice commercials were mildly entertaining. Though it was years ago, many of us have clear memories of Ms. Bryant’s hatred of homosexuality. It’s quite possible that the root cause analysis of much of this far right homosexual hate surfacing lately originated with Ms. Bryant back in 1977.
My first trip as Emperor of Florida will be back to January 17, 1977 where I will surgically staple Ms. Bryant’s mouth shut and then coat it will some glue, leaving a small hole on the left side for a straw. I will then travel forwards in time to the George Washington Bridge on September 22, 1010. Am hypothesizing that my 1977 Anita Bryant time travel trip will mean that I will not see Tyler Clementi jumping off the George Washington bridge on September 22, 2010. If all goes according to Hoyle, on the evening of September 22, 1010 Mr. Clementi will instead be making beautiful music with his violin or having ice cream with his partner. These are the types of changes we shall enact with Florida’s time machines and wormholes. We are going to wipe out root causes of hate….one close minded moron at a time.
Thanks again for the hospitality and the snacks during last week’s whirlwind campaigning, Florida! Tell your friends to vote Mully and keep in mind that in this mid-term election we vote Mully early……. and we vote Mully often.
All My Best,
Campaign Rally Photos: October 6-10,2010
“Excuse me, have you seen a few hundred thousand people looking for the Mully for Emperor rally?”
“Down by Treasure Island? Look for the signs? Thanks”
“Hello and weclome to my rally. Would you like a jelly bean?”
“Nice to meet you, sir. f you are for jobs and against billionaires, please check the box marked ‘Mully’ on the ballot in the Emperor of Florida race. Oh, and please don’t vote for that Democratic loony tune Grayson. He is a nut job, but not the good type of nut. He’s the bad type.”
“So then, string theory adds the new microscopic layer of a vibrating loop to the previously known progression from atoms through protons, neutrons, electrons, and quarks. And BOOM, we have resolved the disconnect with quantum physics and general relativity. May I have another beer, please? Thank you.”
Rage Against The Man: Vote Mully on November 2
**Translation for the White Folks:
How are you doing? I figure two things. First, Rick Scott’s campaign is terrified of me because I am way more non-establishment than Rick Scott is. Second, there is no way those white bread xenophobes can read Spanish. In any event, here’s the gig. I may look like The Man; however, most days I rage against The Man by sitting in my office singing along to Take The Power Back by Rage Against the Machine. I support the Zapatistas in Mexico and am a big fan of allowing folks into America to work and make better lives for themselves. My Irish ancestors came here to work and make better lives for themselves. They built railroads and The Man wanted to keep them down as well. Am relatively certain that Latinos did not cause the bank meltdown or the poorly awarded mortgages to those who could not afford homes. Listening to The Man in the election, you’d think it was the Latinos who caused this downturn. In any event, am going to go back and speak with the white folks again.
3 responses to “Into The Gloaming (an open campaign letter to florida’s floridites)”
my heart still aches over Tyler’s suicide.
One of the best weddings I ever went to took place on the shores of Mobile Bay; the rehearsal dinner was held at the one and only Floribama, where the bride and groom first met. Word around the campfire is that the then single bride approached the then single groom in the crowded bar and said: “that guy over there is bothering me; pretend to be my boyfriend.”
Also, en route to said wedding we passed one of my favorite businesses: a local exterminator called “Crittir Gittir” run out of a double wide.
Also, since you’re running for emperor, what is your stance on water?
If your question is “can I walk on water and in which stance would I BE on water”, the answers are as follows:
1. Of course I can: I am Irish.
2. A buffalo stance.
So don’t you get fresh with me. Who’s looking good today? Who’s looking good in every way?
Get funky. Go.